I was going through different phases, both on a creative and personal level. I felt insecure about my creative and visual identity, the tone and voice I wanted to express, and I did not want this phase to be on public display. I’m a perfectionist and my own biggest critic. I didn’t feel loved not because I wasn’t loved but because I did not love myself to see myself going through public scrutiny. I wanted to come back to blogging several times, but I was facing personal issues, from mental health to losses of grandparents to career changes. I’m not one to be overtly open and forward with my emotions and personal struggles. I’ve managed to build a thick skin from a young age and have been completely private since forever. This was mainly due to protecting myself from external harm, fear of mockery and opening up to potential emotional and mental damages.

When I started blogging, I was both naïve and unaware of the internet, what it held and how potentially harmful it would be The first two years, I used to get emails and private messages of all sorts, but I never fed into them nor entertained them publicly. I didn’t want to display anger, disappointment, frustration or any emotions that were considerably interpreted negative. Being angry isn’t negative, but how one chooses to channel it could potentially be negative. But it took me a while to understand emotions and build emotional intelligence surrounding not only online/social media platforms but even on a personal level in life.

For a very long time, I was definitely not one to express anything to my family and friends, let alone strangers online. It always bewildered me how bloggers and vloggers came out so openly with their emotional or mental health struggles. Completely alien and foreign to me how they managed to channel it into their platform seamlessly. Courageous enough to come forward with this. Of course, I am aware they would not share the details involving their lives, but even sharing a fraction of it was both admirable and frightening to me. Admirable to come to terms with themselves but frightening how easily they’ve entrusted an integral part of themselves to complete strangers online. The authenticity and actuality of it all lays with the individual sharing their story, I am not one to speculate whether that was connected to being part of ‘reality TV’ culture, monetising on personal stories or gimmicks.

Though some of the support received were immensely appreciated, desperation to get approval and validation from certain people that would not pay me dust, got the best of me. This ultimately led to me not seeing anything I was doing as successful nor worth pursuing. I was comparing myself to others, not my work (arrogantly I thought on a creative point, I was way ahead and advanced haha), but myself as a person and why my platform wasn’t picking up as much as I thought. Comparison is a silent killer. I belittled my work more than others did, I was unable to acknowledge that my work was being accredited by major publications and companies.

Yet, I feared that I was taking on a responsibility of representing Muslim women, boxing them and speaking on subjects that I was not well informed on. The fact that everyone jumped on minor disagreements and lashed out on those public women, scared the hell out of me.

Perhaps they were not as well informed, but that shouldn’t take away from their personal experiences, observations and perspectives. This is one thing many, me included, did not understand. Eventually, this grew into what we now know as the cancel culture today. Not many understand writing something privately to someone to inform them of their misconception or misunderstanding of a subject, instead most publicly comment practically preaching “sIs tHiS Is nOt HiiiiiJaAaAAAbBbBBB!!!”. How audacious people get behind screens and keyboards.

At some stage, I felt so dishonest to myself and disconnected with reality, I just had to get away from the internet. I was not even sure why I started any of it and forgot my intentions of starting a platform that was meant to be a genuine celebration & desperate need for representation of women that shared the same religious believe, were culturally similar and understood what it was like to feel alienated or ostracised by society. What was heart breaking for me though was I felt ostracised by the same women and community I frantically wanted to fit in to. I didn’t fit into the Muslim community in the UK, because I am not Asian, I’m not Somali, I am not North African, I am not African and I’m definitely not white (colourism is a real issue in Muslim communities). I am an Arab, but not the usual Arab commonly known in the UK (from Bilad al-Sham). Yemeni, with a combination of African and Arab descent, brown skin, full lips and racially ambiguous. Perhaps I made myself feel ostracized, but I definitely was at fault for not standing up for myself.

Definitely was not a “je ne sais quoi!” or ‘I have a thick skin’ kind of woman, as much as I tried to portray that to my friends, family and strangers online. I was hurting but had too much pride to show an ounce of vulnerability. Modest fashion blogging really made that come forward even more than I anticipated, and I couldn’t deal with it. I also couldn’t deal with the frivolous and ignorant views about fashion within the Muslim community. Everyone was suddenly everything fashion without spending a minute learning or knowing about fashion. I did mention before that it was an evolutionary and experimental stage for many, as it was a new territory, but I take fashion dead seriously. Not to an extend where I verbally murder someone for not knowing something fashion related, but to an extend where I pursued it academically and professionally. I have a master’s degree in strategic FASHION marketing for heaven’s sake.

For those who know me in person, I am outspoken, loud, brave, curious and experimental. I have a bold personality that I would only display once I was comfortable in an environment or with the people within that environment. I’ve always spoke my mind, did not shy away from standing up to myself and others around me. But I was a completely different person online, tip toeing around anything that may stir people up or cause controversy. Yet, I was controversial in real life, asking a regional director to do a menial job for themselves at a prestigious company. The balls!

However, with time and life lessons, I learned that I had to stop being so pitiful and own my work, my creativity and identity with pride and conviction both online and offline. To do what I consider to be right and to voice not only myself but give the stage to Muslim women who need to be their own voices. And this is why I am back, more mature, more courageous, more daring and definitely more ready to face whatever comes my way. Welcome to my new self and my ever-evolving journey to ever changing chapters.

Photography by Ty Faruki

Love and Peace

Athens, Athina or Αθήνα

#thezirkus_athens

Europe's capital cities are always on my bucket list and I've crossed many of them off. What I've come to learn is that even though they all have their own distinctive identities, the similarities are uncanny. However, Athens felt more like a Middle Eastern city to me with a fusion of Eurocentric spaces. It looks more Middle Eastern than Istanbul, just exchange the orthodox churches with the ottoman mosques. Unfavourable opinion, I know! Besides the old town, the part of Athens we visited wasn’t in great shape, but nevertheless had its own charms. We stayed walking distance from Acropolis and could see it from our rooftop room/terrace.

I am posting this in the middle of a pandemic and perfectly aware of travel restrictions & bans...but I hope that doesn't everyone from having a travel bucket list? I surely hope we can travel freely once this whole thing is over.

If you follow me on Instagram, you may have noticed I share my travel locations on there with the exact location tags. If you wish to know exact locations, then I recommend you to check the hashtag I've created for each city I travel to. In this instant it would be #thezirkus_athens

Now to the main sight, bare in mind we’ve only stayed in Athens for three nights, made the most of it and didn’t venture beyond the main touristic sights. We did our typical checklist but ventured around without a plan. We have not taken any public transportation (besides the train to and from the airport) and the electric scooters; which come by very handy! We did most of it walking, as we both enjoy wandering around foreign cities! If you’re only there to see the main sights, then walking suffices.

(Wearing Dior scarf, Celine sunglasses, Zara dress & bag)

I've always been fascinated by the Greek and their history, though I have to admit, my knowledge is very much limited and on the surface. I admire the Ancient Greek philosophers, their influential work into modern societies and of course I had to see some of the ruins for myself. Considering how old the Acropolis and it's surrounding area are (over 2460 years!), it's astonishing to witness history in present days.

Ideally I should be able to give some insider of what it is like to travel as a Muslimah, but in reality I travel with my friends, my partner or siblings, even when I travelled solo, I would have friends to hang out with at the given destinations. To be honest, I don't really notice other people's behaviour towards me when I travel, because at the end of the day I am a tourist at the given location and it's never reflective of the experiences Muslims face residing in those cities. In Athens for instance, I did not notice any out of the ordinary behaviour towards me or the headscarf, also most people there look Middle Eastern haha!

If you are travelling with someone, it is pretty safe and people are generally welcoming and friendly!

Most sights have guides and information, also English seems to be widely spoken. In regards of navigating the city, it is pretty straightforward and easy to be honest. We visited Athens in May and it was warm, perfect temperature actually!

Our host was friendly and recommend us to stay away from the tourist trap restaurants, as they dilute the flavours of Greek food in favour of a “universal appeal”. In other words, a little more bland and a little more overpriced. That’s no different to any other touristic destination. Our Airbnb host recommended “The Tradition” that served delicious local dishes. We got feta salad, chicken skews and tatziki...the flavours were unexpectedly good and we honestly didn’t not anticipate a block of feta cheese on top of the salad. Supposedly that’s how it’s served and you break it into pieces & mix it with the rest of the salad. The chilly peppers that accompanied the chicken skews were SPICY! Crazy hot! I’m not a food critic, but I genuinely have a very healthy relationship with food and love food. My taste buds aren’t that of a connoisseur but they’re definitely advanced. How do I even write this without sounding even a little bit arrogant? Haha doubt that’s possible. So anyhow, I highly recommend this place. It’s not far from the main sights and it’s in close proximity to local bars.

Speaking of bars, we just hopped to the bar next door on our first night. Which looks like it may be a cafe during the day. Plenty of decorative plants and definitely an instagramable place (perhaps they had that in mind). If you’re interested in having a mocktail, it’s a nice place with a good vibe but you won’t miss out if you don’t go.

I would definitely want to visit some of the Greek Islands next time, but would I visit Athens again? Not really, I've seen enough of the city and enjoyed what it had to offer. I love Greek food, certainly I would be able to eat that on the Islands for my next trip? And can I just say, I had two missed opportunities to visit Samos Island...I literally stayed in Kusadasi (2hrs away from Samos by ferry) twice for a long period of time! First time I was lazy...second time was in August 2020, no ferries due to the pandemic...

(Wearing Vintage scarf, Celine sunglasses, Arket t-shirt, Zara jeans, Roland Mouret bag, Louis Vuitton sandals)

(Photography by Zinah & Cesar)

With 500 Posts, this is my first one ever including the word's 'Modest Fashion' in the title. That's because I have not immediately embraced the term nor fully associated myself with it at first. I literally just turned 21 when I started blogging in July 2010. The term modest fashion, Muslim bloggers or anything relating to Muslim women & fashion in the West was not widely circulated, everyone started around the times of 2008-10 and it was a fairly new field for most of us.

The first two I heard off and inspired me to get started (besides this film) were Jana Kossaibati from Hijabstyle.co.uk and Hana Tajima from Stylecovered.com. I loved Jana's blog for the writing and style guide, and loved Hana's blog for the creativity and style visuals. With further exploration, I discovered more and more blogs, including international blog HijabScarf.com by Hanna Faridl and Fifi Alvianto from Jakarta! I loved the community we have managed to form, doing small events, coming together, meeting one another and really having this democratic way of celebrating what it’s like to be a Muslim woman with keen fashion interests. We were navigating our ways and learning as we go. Most of us had fun with it, others had their plans set out and some did it as they’re full time work. All supportive of each other. Some did it as a hobby, whilst pursuing their career in other fields such as medicine, law, education, engineering, politics and other creative fields.

It was an exploratory stage for many. We went from blogging, to designing/making clothes to joining every new social media platform that was coming out. Slowly, there's been a shift...With large following came the illusion of ‘celebrity status’, it became all about ‘who’s sitting front row’ in lousy university Islamic society held fashion shows, who’s pictures were being taken and who was being recognised. All that within our own community, it felt like a serious circus, with plenty of clowns but missing acrobats. The initial democratic space created, was to avoid THIS exact issue. The same issues the fashion industry faces on daily bases and yet, instead of cultivating a space where everyone felt equal and supported, the Muslim modest fashion community turned into the cheap replica of the fashion industry. Emphasis on the word cheap. If I was about to be pushed into a competitive environment, I did rather do so where the real deal was happening, work in the fashion industry. Going from the devil wears nada to the devil wears Prada.

Besides showcasing my love for style, exploring my creativity, I mainly wanted to celebrate Muslim women and amplify their work, whilst I was exploring ways to do that. I started with the blog, ventured into making modest clothes (short lived venture, as I HATE making clothes, despite spending 5 years doing fashion design in school & college) then into making luxurious silk scarves, and then into attempting to do a magazine to finally just shut it all down and pursue a path outside of this modest fashion setting. I no longer could deal with and accept condescending statements such as ‘you don’t know who I am?’ or ‘you’ve never watched my Youtube videos?’ or ‘I am so and so and have so and so followers’. I simply no longer cared, because as an individual I was never into celebrity culture, so I could definitely not comprehend the celebrity wannabe culture either. Or even public figures. There's a difference between admiring others for the work they do or resonate with the stories they tell, but to idolise individuals for being known and existing (note, around the same time as the rise of reality TV stars)? Just not for me.

I would not get starstruck assisting Naomi Campbell with her shopping or having coffee next to Lara Stone, why would I be expected to get starstruck meeting influencers? This toxic culture started around the same time the Western media started picking up on the modest fashion bloggers and somehow the competitiveness gotten a little bit more intense. Of course, not everyone was like that and there were many wonderful Muslim women who did their work without the spiel. But also, understandably, most were still young and learning how to cope with being finally visible, trying to comprehend what was going on and navigating the social media age, as the first guineapigs. Naturally, everyone was experimenting with everything, as the term social media influencer did not exist yet, and many of us were not acute to taking on serious business ventures (as fashion brands, publications, media channels or design studios).

However, this is not to give those with attitudes an excuse, it is more so to give perspectives of what was happening during that time (and probably happening now too, but I have tuned out). Naturally, when minorities are starved for space for so long, some go on a power trip once given space. It all seemed like seeking approval and validation from white people. Some started claiming to be the first hijabi to be on here, to be on that, to do this and to do that. These claims often erase the work of others in the community and such language is taking away from the same underrepresented communities. Just because of the digital age, things are far more visible, but that does not mean there weren’t Muslim women before us who have been doing the same work. Additionally, such claims allow white people to present us as stereotype breakers, because both they and we don’t know any better. We’re meant to be multipliers and not reduce the hard work of others just because it is not known to us at a given time. Anyhow, these poisonousness thoughts seemed to have been magnified during the ‘development’ of Muslim modest fashion.

I've always thought it’s better to see one’s work having a ripple effect and embolden others with their own work. It’s never straightforward or easy to be one of the few to open certain doors of opportunities, but do not close it behind you once you are in. Under what condition is that considered plausible or admirable? Isn’t the intention of breaking barriers to let everyone else in as well, instead of burning the bridge behind you after you’ve crossed it?

As I've mentioned before, in 2014, I shut it all down and pursued a career in luxury fashion within the business sector, behind the scene of all the glamour. I’ve learned a lot and worked for brands I really admired and pursued a master’s in strategic fashion marketing. All this whilst being completely absent from social media and modest fashion scene. Yes, I deleted my first Instagram account and Facebook page, deleted my twitter & snapchat. I created a private account on Instagram to stay in touch with friends and family, but also because I enjoy photography & creative expression. I even privatised this website/blog (no one could view it for 3 years) and I went off the grid. Not merely for the above reasons, but because of my own insecurities, uncertainty and also I was not in the mindset to be warped into a culture I particularly did not enjoy.

The pictures are a depiction of my presence in the modest fashion scene, present but concealed. These images were taken by Ty Faruki! Talented photographer!

I'll share my personal journey in the second part soon!

Love and Peace

ZINAH

#thezirkus_athens

Keep in Touch

Blog Archive